We walked away from the ‘Parenting through Adoption’ conference this weekend with a lot of useful gems, and tools that we’ll be putting in our adoption toolbox!! :-)
One thing that I especially liked was when one of the presenters talked a little bit on “Dropping Pebbles”. It was a technique I’ve never heard of but one we plan on using a lot when our little man is home. I’ll explain more on that in a minute. Right now I’m just trying to get all my of my thoughts down. Hopefully I can sort through them later!!
Warning: Some might not make a ton of sense, or might just be one liners…. But it makes sense to me (or at least did at the time I was taking the notes!).
As I’m sure you can guess, it’ll be no secret that our little man was adopted. Pretty sure that’ll be obvious to everyone around us! LOL! It was repeated in a few of the sessions that you should START TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION THE DAY YOU BRING YOUR CHILD HOME! I was happy about this. Even if you adopt an infant and they don’t know a thing you are saying, you should start talking to them about it.
Adoption is NOT something to be ashamed of. It is something that should be talked about all the time ~ it is NOT taboo. As recently as a generation ago, adoption was still this big taboo that no one would talk about. “We keep secrets about things we’re embarrassed about or ashamed of.” Adoption should not be one of those! Nothing improves in the dark ~ light brings out the beauty!
This doesn’t fully apply to us, but the key note speaker even said that, “just because your kids know, or want to know, about their birth parents doesn’t mean they want a new mommy or daddy. It’s OKAY.” It’s okay to talk to them about it, to help them search if they want. In our situation, I don’t think searching for our child’s birth parents is going to work out…. But believe me, I hope, plan, pray to find out AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN about our little man’s past/family so that we can share that with him some day. During one of the sessions it was brought up on how important it is to NOT FILL IN THE BLANKS. We’ll know some of our child’s history, but not all. The parts we don’t know will always be blank, we can’t go and ‘fill them in for him’ as a way of helping. That’s not helping anyone. We just need to tell him what we know, while telling the truth (!), at an age appropriate level of course. The speaker (an adoptee himself) said to start talking to your kids about adoption as early as ages 4 or 5, though strongly encourages that you talk about it from day one. It will come as no surprise that our child is adopted, but if we didn’t talk openly about it…. it could make our little man feel as though it were something we were ashamed of. Which, as you all know, WE ARE NOT.
Okay, back to the Dropping Pebbles. This is a great way to get your child talking about their birth parents. It’s a way to drop thought-provoking comments (or “pebbles”) in a natural way. For instance, we could tell our kiddo that, “you have an amazing voice. I wonder if your birth mom was a great singer” or while you’re combing your kids hair, you could say, “I wonder if you get your curly hair from your birth father”. If you’re adopting an older child, it could also be a great way to get them to talk about where they’re from, what it was like…. You might not get results right away, but eventually the ripples will appear.
Mary
6 months ago
3 comments:
LOVE that idea of dropping pebbles! Ahhh I just wish you guys would get a referral already... I'm ready to see Baby Boz(s!)!!
All in God's timing though... =) praying for ya!
Danielle ~ I'm with you! I'm ready to find out and meet my Baby Boz(s)!
Megan, you're right. We don't plan to repeatedly point out our differences, or the fact that he's adopted. He won't be our "adopted son" he'll be "our son". But should our little guy want to pursue finding out who he is or wanting to learn more about his past, that's something we want to encourage. And we want him to know that it is OKAY to talk about his past. For all we know we'll be adopting a 6 year old. We don't want him to forget his birth family, so we want him to know and will encourage him to talk about them, should he choose. It's not something we want wipe from his memory the minute he's in our arms. Also, it all depends on your child. It could be great for some, and it could be harmful for others. Only you know what will work best for your kiddo.
I LOVE the fact that "we" can sit around and plan on things to say to him, and different things to ask him, fun and cool things to talk about with him **insert daydreaming aunt JulieH here**.....I just want him here NOW though :-)
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